


Hurts to be human

by NinelikesBananas



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-24
Updated: 2019-04-24
Packaged: 2020-01-31 08:45:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18587794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NinelikesBananas/pseuds/NinelikesBananas
Summary: For several years, Alastair Morton was a Kingsman agent but also a husband. He always knew how to hide his feelings, after all, there is not place for such things in the battlefield. But even then, James Spencer knew how to read between the lines, to see behind the mask of neutrality. Now that James is gone, Alastair doesn't know how to face his feelings, how he's supposed to deal with all the grief and sadness he has inside. For the first time, Alastair has to stop being Percival for awhile and start to be just a human. But gosh, it hurts to be human !





	Hurts to be human

**Author's Note:**

> Big thanks to @Percillout for being my beta !! Without Percillout this chapter would be full of mistakes and French words because English IS NOT my first language. I'm a Portuguese, living in France, trying to write fanfictions in English. So... I hope you would enjoy this chapter and leave a comment if you have something to say about it.

_ In the blink of an eye, he disappeared. Like a dream that fades away soon as the sun rises. _

 

He had come into his life like a tornado, turning it into an utter mess. This tornado had never lost its strength, and no one could stop it, such had been the life led by James Spencer. Now that the tornado was gone, it had left a calm like the one that settles before a storm. He had left an eerie feeling and an impossible void in Alastair Morton's life. How was he supposed to react to Merlin's announcement? How are we supposed to act when someone announces the death of a loved one? He did not know it either. Morton lost several colleagues in the past few years, something that was quite normal in his field of work. However, James was not only a colleague. They shared their job, their missions, their bed and their lives. Alastair felt as if all the gravity was assailing him at that moment, nailing him deep and deeper to one of Kingsman's private jet seats. He had been devastated by his older brother’s and sister-in-law's premature deaths. He had always thought he could understand the pain his parents had felt at that time, but now he was less sure of it. They had lost a piece of their own flesh after all, a loved son. James had become like a part of Alastair; one was not complete without the other and now these two halves would never be a whole again. Alastair Morton was just beginning to understand the dreadful pain his parents went through and he realized that from now on he will have to endure it for the rest of his life. After such news, it is impossible for someone to know what they really feel. We don’t know if a thousand of feelings will invade us on the spot or if it will be like our heart will never feel anything ever again. Alastair inevitably felt an overpowering urge to cry, to shout, to break everything but at the same time, he was drained of all his energy. He was vaguely hearing what Merlin was saying to him through Kingsman’s glasses, it wasn’t important, after all, nothing would really be from now on. He had the feeling of having lost everything.  He knew very well which procedures Merlin was trying so hard to talk to him about. The death of the fallen agent would be announced to the rest of the table, and they would drink in his memory before announcing that it is necessary to find a replacement for his position. He did not want to participate in this meeting, but James would never have forgiven him for not attending the only meeting of which the aim was to honor him, no matter what.

 

"I can tell Arthur you can't join us," Merlin said thoughtfully with a sympathetic tone.

 

This man had never been sentimental, at least in front of the knights or any other member of Kingsman. It was the best thing to do. Feelings undoubtedly lead to attachments, and sometimes the loss of a dear one is worse than any torture one could inflict to a human being. The fact that he was proposing to lie to Arthur went straight to his heart. It was not something out of the ordinary; he had done it before and continued to do it if it could be beneficial for himself or an agent as long as it did not endanger anyone and especially not the agency. However, he refused preferential treatment and, even less, pity.

 

"No, it’s okay. I'm coming, just give me a minute," he replied.

 

He did not know how he had managed such a feat, but he got up from the chair and headed for the plane’s bar. He settled down with a drink of their best whiskey and connected to the meeting. Everyone seemed to be there, Arthur was about to start his speech. He could not help but think all the words that came out of his mouth were filled with hypocrisy. Of all the knights, Lancelot was undoubtedly the one who Arthur appreciated the least. He had always been the most talkative; he was never at loss for words. He frequently had a “joie de vivre” that contrasted with all the gloomy and immoral things he was confronted with every day on every mission. Harry Hart, better known as Galahad, equaled James in the art of comebacks and eloquence. Just like him, he did not know how to keep his mouth shut and every remark he made was created with great finesse. However, to Arthur's greatest delight, Galahad was of a more reserved nature. It was probably why Arthur avoided sending the two of them together on a mission. He was afraid his perfect little soldier would become a blot on the landscape just like James was. Still, focusing on the words, what the old man was saying was less painful than looking at the empty place he could see on his left. He could have been deceiving himself, thinking that Lancelot was just in a mission that prevented him from being present, but Arthur kept inevitably bringing him back to the harsh reality.  A reality where James was gone, where he would not come back, where he had left an empty place. A reality where he would be replaced as an agent in the eyes of everyone, but never replaced in his heart and mind. He could feel Galahad's gaze on him; he was trying to pin down the thoughts that ran through him. Harry had always been competent at it, analyzing people. He did not dare to look at him; he did not want to meet his eyes. There, he would see pity, questions he did not want to answer. Bors was also watching him, he and Galahad were the only ones who really knew him, the only ones with whom James and himself really had contact outside of work. Once the meeting was over, he took off his glasses and had another drink. Definitively, it was not enough to drown his sorrow, his thoughts, his everything. He wanted to scream in a place where no one would hear, see, or reach him. He did not want to be seen breaking into a thousand pieces just like ice ... like the glass in his hand, the one that sent him a troubled image. He could no longer look at his pitiful image. He had thrown his glass away. This one had shattered into a thousand pieces, like his heart a few minutes ago. James would not have liked seeing him like that, devastated, scared, lost. He knew that without him, he would become a pitiful person again. James had been the one who brought out the best in him. 

 

He had met James many years ago, they were young and foolish teenagers then and yet, he remembered those times as if they were yesterday. Even before he spoke to him, he had spent months watching him. They were the opposite of each other; James was successful with girls, participated in several high school clubs, especially when a member of a sports team was missing. He seemed to exude happiness and radiated joy while Alastair was a reserved person, who would often be seen with his nose plunged into his books and even though he practiced a sport, fencing, nobody knew it. It was an activity he enjoyed a lot, even nowadays. This activity allows him to let off steam, to have contact with others while remaining silent. At the time, his fencing lessons ended rather late, and despite the concerns of his parents, he preferred to go alone. It was one night, on his way back home, that he had spoken to James for the first time. As he walked by himself in the calm of the night, footsteps and voices had risen behind him. When he had turned around to see what was happening, he had just had time to notice James running towards him, pursued by three other boys. Despite himself, he got lost in James’ hazel eyes. They had a sparkle that made them appear even more beautiful. Even before Alastair could understand what was happening, James had taken him by the arm, dragging him with him. They had stopped only when the other three were far behind them. They were both breathless. Alastair had not noticed they had held hands during the entire race until his new friend had finally let him go. James had let himself down with a laugh, sweat beads falling on his face shining like little diamonds. Alastair had never seen such a beautiful vision. However, it was not enough to prevent him from being angry with him. As soon as he had caught his breath, he had not hesitated to tell him what he thought about this whole situation. 

 

"Have you gone completely mad, Spencer? You seize me by the arm; you drag me t-to… I do not know where we are! We're chased by three guys because of you and now you laugh? If this situation has a funny side, I’d like you to share it with me. I'll need to laugh, so that I do not kill you."

 

Instead of being worried about these threats or surprised, James seemed reassured, though a bit uncomfortable.

 

"I was afraid you would not know who I am. That would have been a mess, don't you think, Alastair? I'm sorry for taking you with me so suddenly, I never thought that our first interaction would be... so hectic. But I was getting bored running alone since high school. I never thought of finding such a nice company on the way. We can say that I am a lucky man," he said with a charming smile that he often reserved for his admirers.

  
_ What is this weird sensation I feel, is it because he called me by my first name? _ From that day on, James had managed to make his way into Alastair’s heart, despite the barriers he had built to protect himself. That evening, they had begun to get to know each other while returning home. They had to be very careful not to cross the path of the other three. They had both started their last year of high school, in different classes. They were the same age, with only a few months difference between the two. At the time, James did not know how to hold his tongue, especially when it came to standing up to bullies. He could not have found a better job than the one at Kingsman. The three guys, not appreciating he stood up to them, had ambushed him at the end of school. He was not really a fan of the physical confrontation, at least when he could prevent it, so he had taken to his heels and had begun to run at full speed. Although he had never really confessed, he did not like violence, but he liked to fight for what was right and help others. James had wanted to accompany Alastair home, to make sure he returned safely. After all, it was he who had dragged him into this mess. While they were only a few steps away from the Morton Residence, James had looked into his eyes and told him that he often looked at him, reading his books in the library, but he had never really known how to approach him. Now that he had finally taken that first step, he was hopeful they could continue talking to each other in the future in order to become friends. While James was looking at him with such a sincere and intense look, Alastair had been unable to deny him anything. He was happy, he had never felt so close to anyone until then. After all, James was a bit like him, he could be someone not sure of himself, even a little shy. However, the timidity had not lasted very long in their friendship; Spencer was responsible for getting rid of it. Alastair would never admit it him to anyone but himself, but James was the first to break the wall that protected the way to his heart. That evening, they had left on friendly words and the promise to see each other again the next day. Now there would be no tomorrow where they could be together again. 


End file.
